Depression

[granolagoddess]

How many of you deal with it and how to you cope?

[spitfire1979]

gg-- i'd like to say that my heart goes out to you... if i could find mine right now.  it'd probably be better to say that my thoughts do, b/c i'm going through "one of those" times now.. and, it seems as always, my feelings have vanished and all i'm left with is thinking, thinking, thinking.  

how do i deal?  i thought i'd have it figured out by now!  damn, stupid, imperfect me... it becomes so easy to want to give up my personal ideals and goals when i seem to always fall so short, and with little or no skill at pulling my own self up by the proverbial proactive bootstraps.  the hardest part, actually, is getting into the "if they only would have" game about my parents... if they only would have cared as much about my career and education when i was younger... if they only would have cared about what i'd do to fill my life with meaning apart from having that wretched nice young husband (illusion)... if they only wouldn't have told me i was "so smart"... and then forbad me from doing anything too smart, like start looking for colleges earlier than the end of my senior year, when i finally figured out they weren't going to scream at me for wanting to go to college.  if only they'd showed some concern about depression, even then...

when you can't date, and can't go to college (or at least have gotten the impression it was not an option) and weren't allowed to get a real job in high school, as a young woman the only life you can really have is in your head... and my 20's have been one huge, jolting leap after another out of that lifeless landscape, and waking up to understand just how backward you are to everyone else.  see... but how to deal NOW?   taking risks, having at least one close friend who gets your background and can talk you out of the deepest holes, climbing out of whatever boxes are left... the stipulations on happiness or individuality you still have a hard time getting past (big one for me), writing, therapy, a little booze now and then, and whatever else you have learned about YOU that you need, regardless of who approves.  

i think that when i get to the healthiest i'll ever be, it will be because i finally learned not to be afraid to fail.. and that somehow i learned how to love.  god has brought some remarkable people into my life in the last 7 yrs.  my closest friends in heart, still, are the ones i made during my excruciating years at pensacola christian college.  why?  we accepted our faults and loved each other... subversively and with the knowledge that this was our lifeline.  i'd never had that before.  my point is, i got a little glimpse of who i could be for another human, and it kept me alive, until i learned to be my own friend, first of all.  

right now i'm struggling with really wanting to get out of social work and into another field... and not finding a job.  after four years of training foster parents, it's time for me to do something else.  the feelings of unworthiness and insufficiency i've struggled with all my life come back right when i need to be my most confident!  but we have come this far... through an epic cultural war without and spiritual battle within.  maybe i'm afraid to look now, but i think that if i could see the end, i'd see me as someone who finally found her peace, did her best and accomplished all the great things no one could keep her from.  you will too... good luck on your bar exam!  

[granolagoddess]

i think that when i get to the healthiest i'll ever be, it will be because i finally learned not to be afraid to fail.. and that somehow i learned how to love.

I am always afraid to fail, and I lash out at others and become harpie. I hate myself at the moment. I don;t know how I iwll deal with the bar exam tomorrow, b/c my spirits are very low and and I have no confidence in myself at all.

[Calmate]

You're going to ace the bar tomorrow because you're going to snap out of it and make yourself do it.  You know where it comes from and you can summon it when you need it, just like me.  You've got it in you, now force it out of yourself.

I get very depressed--it comes in waves.  It's a restless depression, which is the worse.  I start to shut people out, even my own family, coworkers, and congregation.  When I get so depressed I have "those" kinds of thoughts, it's then I have to tell myself that there is still a lot worth living for.  And I just force myself out of it.  Can't explain how...and I can't always do it as soon as I want to.  But when the chips are down, I want to live and live to my full potential.  I believe you do, too.

[granolagoddess]

Most of the time I do feel I can pull myself out of it, but not lately. I feel utterly hopeless, but the stress is very high.

[Calmate]

This would offend probably most Christians, but...that's why doctor's sometimes prescribe tranquilizers.  Zanax can do wonders for these times when we mentally cannot reign in our anxiety.  Too bad people who abuse these helpful drugs have given them a bad name for those who really need them.

[granolagoddess]

LOL I am taking Xanex...just for this month for the bar exam. My last dose is tonight!

[spitfire1979]

gg-- any updates?  been thinking about you!

[Independent Girl]

I dealt with depression twice in my early 20's and took medication both times.  It was stress-induced both times and so in conjunction with the medication, the doctor really walked me through a revamp of what I ate (to help me to eat healthy foods and ones that would give me energy), how I exercised, and how to medicate.  I also realized that it was WAY too easy for me to just sit around and do nothing.  So I would make lists.  I would list every single thing that I had to do for the next day (even down to simple things like "get dressed" "make bed" "shower".  As I went through the day and did things, it gave me a big sense of accomplishment and motivation.

I still do the list thing to this day.  It helps me to have structure when I'm not working.

Hope the bar exam went well!

[ninth doctor]

GG, been mildly depressed years earlier. Luckily my sister recognized the symptoms and got me to a Psychiatrist.He gave me some lithium and I was fine in days.Learned that the Christian Community is woefully inept and downright stupid when it comes to understanding depression.Depression is NOT always a spiritual problem and it also can't be cured with vitamins and supplements.Everybody needs to find their own way to cope but please do not be afraid to seek help from the secular medical community.

[granolagoddess]

Thanks for all of the support, people. I went to therapy and took meds for many years, but now do not. This depression has seemed situtational, and is related to post traumatic stress from my childhood, and young afult years.  I am better now that the bar exam is over, and will either become better or much worse depending on whether I pass  when the annouce results in October....just the way it is, folks, I am fine, though, at the moment. Take care all, I am going to bed.