For Matthew

[That Chick]

This is something I wrote in memory of Matthew Murray, or Chrstnghtmr.  I know it's a little out of the ordinary to post poetry on a forum, but this is my way of expressing myself.

For Matthew... may your soul find rest in the afterlife, and may God forgive you for your sins.


Can't seem to find just what to say
Can't wrap my mind around this
I don't know who or what to blame
And the pain inside me seems endless

I know what drove you over the edge
I've felt the same in my soul
You and I were alike my friend
Neither of us truly whole

The world is full of f***ed up sh**
And god knows you had your share
I wish I could have known before
I wish I could have been there

I hold such hatred in my heart
For your enemies as well as mine
I weep for what has happened to you
And for those of us left behind

What went through your mind that day?
What did you feel inside?
As you held the gun against yourself
As you slumped to the floor and died

If Hell is reserved for such as you
Perhaps I'll meet you there
But I pray for your soul, as I do for mine
That we will have no more pain to bear

[Boldtruth]

from what I can tell the so called life principles which Bill Gothard speaks of and wishes to encourage the world to embrace,Are the same principles I refer to as MGWD Syndrome,Its that syndrome the ancients had. You know the one where they seem to believe "man god women devil" and everything is geared around catoring to some man whore with to much testaserone whos ego has convenced him he is man his penis is his septor and that makes him somehow worthy to be praised and worshiped even in his state of man whoredom,while women are to be as innocent little virgin slave girls to there master husband,Whom there entire world is to evolve around of course once there married they are to be there gods sex slave still doing everything in there power to apear virginal for there man whore husbands.After all manwhores get excited by virgins they want to own there innocents,They despise the notion of women as equals.

Women or little girls. because these man whores so often marry little girls there easier to dominate and control this world is hell for a feminist I have been a victom of the mgwd syndrome so much and I have been so deeply and utterly hurt by it in truth this days I have begun to see that I have been damaged beyond repair and nobody really cared except sometimes a few who are like me damaged beyond repair by sugar coated bs that has been served to us and the world by the mgwd squad.
Ok my point,I really understand how Matthew felt and I think I understand how you feel Wild Canid when your damaged inside so damaged that it feels like a huge part of your very soul is missing and you feel alone and hurt and angry you feel powerless and uncertain in a world you dont feel like you even belong in and its a world that doesnt stop the chaos is all around you never ending your like a child on the ground being trampled by the chaos but nobody even hears you cry much less holds out there hand to lift you up.Well at times like that its very difficult to reason or to logic so basically I dont really know what to say except that Im in the same place you are only Im not passing you by Im reaching out my hand to try to lift you up out of that place of turmoil.I dont really know what Im doing,but I have become certain that humanity and the world itself have become infected with some sort of illness that afflicted the body mind and soul of humanity.And that makes a world that is meant to be like heaven become more like hell.I dont know the cure for this condition.But maybe togather we could search for the cure?

[thejenchick]

I've been following Matthew's story.  I've been following the story in the mainstream news, his local community news, and some internet sites.

I do condone Matthews actions.  I think those people killed HIM, over and over again.  And I think because we couldn't see blood, it suddenly isn't equal to the damage he caused.

I think I may be more able to condone his actions because I am not a Christain and I don't get the whole "sin" and "humans are wicked" idea, nor do I think that death is a horrible thing to have happen to a person.  I have read the Bible, and no disrespect, but I don't get how it translates to what I experience in my beliefs about Life.  

As I read through his blogs...his poetry, his music, his rantings...I felt his frustration and his RAGE.  He was a trapped human being.  As a Mother I was outraged for him, how could his mother NOT be tuned in to how HURT her son was?  A mother who was getting sooooooooo much out of believing, she could not afford to hear his questions.  His questions were threatening to HER faith so she refused them (and him) for her own comfort and gain. it was easier to shove it all back at him then for her to examine her own crap.  x) MOST of us are able to reconcile being lied to about Santa Clause, but to be lied to about things of a Spiritual nature...well that is just a whole different animal.  can resort to rages with lethal results.  And when his parents didn't save him, didn't hear him, didn't RUSH to his rescue- in fact they stamped their approval on all of it---how could he ever see hope of making it out?

I am really pissed off at the number of people who are OUTRAGED now and refuse to CONDONE what he did because it is a purely physical and visible blow that we all can look at in horror.  But where were all the same people when it came to being so damning of the people inflicting this profoundly, crushing ideology leaving Matthew writhing in angst for years, bleeding out.  

These people did this to him.  You couldn't SEE if the ONLY lens you chose to use to evaluate the world is the one they hand out at the door.  All you can see is what CNN is feeding us now: "great family, dad a prominent doctor, mom a doting mommy, brother fine and well adjusted, and then there was matthew.  the angry misfit. brother is fine (appears to be anyway, right?). so it must have been the angry boy that was screwed up."

The angry people are our social barometers.  They SEE something the rest of us are missing.  They are highly sensitive to a particular subject or range of things within a subject.  Riots, marches, protests- they are ways people express their anger at being ignored, collectively.  Matthew was a one person riot.  He had been forced to endure layers of hurts being ignored and treated incredibly disrespectfully everywhere he turned.  

This boy was trapped and he had NO way out.  Every direction he turned he hit a brick wall.  The religion, the normal development of a human male, and his particular personality traits all layered onto the religious fundamentalist dogma just aided in stacking the deck and force a final screaming response that would make people LOOK.  LOOK!  

[Boldtruth]

I do not in any way condone what Matthew did
But I understand how he must have felt because I have been that kind of victom too,

And I know the hell it puts in you I know the never ending nightmare and the fear the well I just know.

But I also know a shooting rampage was not the answer
it was not the answer at all.

[Norbert the Mage]

thejenchick, your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.

I don't think anyone here condones the spiritual abuse that Matthew suffered. Most of us, to one degree or another, have had similar experiences. That's why we're here.

It's one thing to understand how the abuse made him feel trapped and helpless and fueled his rage and hatred, to hurt for him and to wish that his parents had given him the help and love he needed.

But it's ridiculous to approve of what he did. No amount of abuse and hurt that one person has experienced can justify him going out and committing violence against others, especially people who had nothing to do with the abuse he received.

I wish I could have helped him. I know a lot of people here wish that too. But I also know that some people did try to help him, and he refused their offer... he had another way out, and he chose instead to take the way that would bring pain to people he didn't even know. There's nothing to condone in that.

[thejenchick]

yeah i GET no one here or anywhere else condones what he did. except me. you say it isnt the answer? are you even reading the questions?

it seemed like it was his answer. obviously not yours or mine, but it was his answer.   im not advocating EVERYONE go do what he did...that was HIS solution, doesnt mean it HAS to be the solution for ANYONE else.  

and im not trying to stop anyone else from judging what he did the way they want to judge him and/or his actions.  you chose to judge what he did as a "sin" or whatever...i chose to judge it as the act of a desperate, wounded, trapped, dying person.  

[Loudog1]

In regards to the ancients' way. Most early religions were involved with what is called Goddess Worship, you can google that phrase or look it up on Wikipedia to read more about it. But basically the Pagan religions that predate Christianity worshiped women. Women held a lot of power at that time. Then came the male dominated religions we know of today. I guess they won through testosterone. Lol.

[thejenchick]

you call this WINNING?? oppressing any segment of society isnt a winning situation if you ask me. oppressing ANY of our HUMAN-NESS in the individual isnt winning either.  !mistrust

and how do you know women didnt just hand the "power" over?  maybe we were damn tired of carrying the human race on our backs for several million years. maybe eventually we are gonna get tired of carrying it in our wombs too.  then what would happen?  ~:(

[encourager]

I know I did send Chrstnghtmr a few e-mails a few months back. I don't know if he read them or anything. It seems shocking to find him go to this type of action. I know he was hurting very badly. We all hurt over the way Bill Gothard's teachings have hurt us, however, I do not believe revenge is the answer. I would never condone what Matthew did.

[granolagoddess]

I have not been here for sometime. I just found out that Mathew was Chrstnghtmr. . .  and that he was the shooter in CO. I am devastated. I hated him, though...that is what pisses me off. I tried to be kind to him and kindness was just eaten into a void like a black hole. I am really whacked out here.