My own downfall

[granolagoddess]

As I posted in the tribute to Mathew, I was not a fan of his. I have not been here for some time due to my own issues. I have not passed the bar exam for the 2nd time and am gonna be taking it again in February. I have been ashamed, isolated and depressed/suicidal a lot. I am getting treatment, psychiatrist, meds and therapist...and telling people about my illness. I am so freaked out all of the time and hate it. My biggest fear is the fear of death, while also not wanting to face living anymore. I no longer have comfort in the blood of Jesus or heaven or anything concrete. I just do not know what happens when I die. I feel like a total freakazoid and was so convinced earlier in life that gawd had it all under control. Now I believe the exact opposite. I don't take the bible literally and no one living KNOWS whether or not we live past physical death. I used to tell my mother not to worry when I was out, b/c god had it all under control and I will die when I am supposed to and then I iwll be w/ jesus..... so why worry? D*mn it! I hate my life. I really do. I hate the church structure and the cathlic church...the crusades, the oppression of all of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am shaking so hard I can hardly stand it.

You know why I had that major posting day a while back? It was b/c Mathew had posted something so very ugly, I wanted it to go down the list until it did not show on the front page anymore. I hate it all so much.

[Independent Guy]

gg.

I certainly can't say that I know what you are going through. And I certainly can't say that I have then "answer" that will make everything feel better. I do want you to know that iGirl and I will be praying for you. I'm aware that me saying that may make you laugh, but I just wanted you to know. It has to be unbearable to deal with everything you are going through.

So many other people have questioned their faith as you are doing now. Some abandon it altogether and others come back to is even stronger. If there is one thing I have learned about defeat is that you have two choices. You can either give up or you can learn from it and move on.

Just know that we're praying for you.

[Independent Guy]

Ok... you may not be interested in this next part. But I just want to share something I learned a few years ago.

One of the Hebrew words for desert or wilderness, "midbar", has a root word that means to speak. There is a belief that the desert is a place where God "speaks". In the bible (we'll take it as metaphor for right now) many individuals go out in to the desert to fast and be near God. Jesus and John the Baptist for example. The idea is that they were called out to the desert so only thing they could depend on was God. I know... just want you need, a Hebrew lesson. The reason I'm telling you this is because in our worst moments when we are about to break and have nothing left to hold on to is exactly the place God wants us to be so that he can speak to us.

[granolagoddess]

I-guy...I would never "laugh" at love nor at offers for prayer. I not so young or jaded to think your concern is not sincere. It is just that I don't beleive in most of it anymore. I do think, however, that it is me, and not god, who has sustained me in times of desert. Perhaps it is god working through me, but it still appears to be my own strength, which is very low now. It is possible i will be hospitialized in a few weeks after my bar exam class is over. I feel like I want to drive  my car into the lake every time I come home from class. I need to get  my mood stabilized to make a good stab at this exam....for the 3rd time. Please do pray...even if it is only to good will that you have, I will welcome it. But please do not fool yourselves into thinking that god has minute control over ever aspect of my existence...I DO NOT believe this. Much love my friends. I am so saddened by Matthews actions, but we have to remember that he had agency, and he was ultimately responsible for what he did. We all reached out to him, and his hate could not be saited.  !heart

[spitfire1979]

gg---

i want to express my deepest empathy for you right now; life is scary anyway...especially when you go off the kool-aid, so to speak, the stuff that was supposed to magically turn all the world into a stage for our rightness and superiority to shine through.  at least that's how i've distilled the basic messages of extreme fundamentalism.  

so, my empathy is probably the best gift i have for you at this point.  please forgive me if i'm off the mark here, but my own experiences with depression before and after i left xtianity eventually led me to uncovering a lot of anger at myself for various reasons.  the only god i'd known through religion (and my parents) not only negated me as a person, but encouraged an alarming presence of wrath at my own "shortcomings"... and dealing with them never led me back to true healing within myself, but dependence on other beings to try to make me o.k.  it was a truly vicious cycle.  i mean, c'mon!  the "healer" is also the dualistic being whose approval and holiness i'm killing myself for?  sounds like we've both gotten past that part, at least.  

can i just say (in the most rudimentary, "group hug" way) that i'm so proud of you for even getting through law school?!  wow... i was an english major who graduated cum laude and can't work up the courage to write an entrance essay for grad school!  now that i'm expecting my first child though, i'm thinking i need to get out of that old way of thinking and start living for something other than the "comfort zone."  i've read your story several times and it always brings me to tears.  you are one brave woman, and i just want you to know that this is not the end.  don't be angry with yourself for being where you are (i know i sound like a total therapy addict, forgive that.)  truth is... god does not have "everything" under control.  you are where you are because "he" doesn't, even according to the most literal interp of the bible.  that can be a fabulous thing.  i think i can speak for many on this forum who've come to know you (in our intimately detached way) that, holy crap, you aren't just a survivor, but a d*mn fine person to have on the planet.  don't ever forget that!

[granolagoddess]

sp:
You are a gift of light and life. I am in the dark night of the soul, and you are a candle in the distance. Thank you for your love, unconditional, not judgmental and forgiving. Mattew's death continues to affect me. Perhaps if I had been more tolerant of his hate issues, I may have been able to help. Sometimes life seems pointless, and sometimes I feel like a hedonist, only happy when I am free, financially, socially, professionally. Thank you for thinking I am brave, but I really just have had no choice, with no safety net, ever. My wife, Sherry, is wonderful. But her reserves are really wearing thin, both financially and emotionally. I have a wonderful woman in my life. I need support...and I am hoping I cna get more from this site. I am sad for Matthew, and his parents. I am going to try to contact them eventually. I want them to know what they need to do to atone for Matthew's pain.Someday this will happen. I know it will. I have started writing a book about all of this stuff. Here is a little outline:

. . .One woman’s struggle to reconcile faith, fact and fantasy.

Chapters:
One:   The Feminine Mystic, or how to be girly on a farm
1)   My mother: a Haus Frau (literally).
a.   W.I.F.E.: Women Involved in Farm Economics
2)   I want to be a lawyer: It’s really hard!
3)   Groping in the night
4)   You’re fat and no one will ever love you!
5)   You’re a girl, you can’t do that!
6)   The telephone saved my life.
Two:   Longing for the good ole’ days
1)   Baptism
2)   A Sense of Order
3)   From Prison to Praise!
4)   Censoring George Orwell
5)   Jesus Camp: Before it was a Movie.
6)   Me  N’ Ronald Reagan
Three:    A Heart for Politics
1)   What my mother never told me and what no one ever talked about.
2)   Daddy, you bastard.
Four:   The Prison Ministry or how to get Married and have a Baby in one fell swoop.
1)   Disrupting the message:
a.   Poverty and the Marginalization and Humbling of an arch conservative.  
b.   The Compassionate Conservatism of fundamentalists and conservatives, or how I became homeless with a young child.
Five:   Death of a Family: Death of a Faith
1)   Fundamentals of Feminism: I am a Lesbian
2)   Mother falls
3)   Crawling my way out:
a.   Education is the great equalizer
1.   But only for those who are intelligent enough to get it.
4)   Hope for reconciliation
5)   Dashed dreams
Six:   Freedom in the Law

I hope some of you will help me on my journey to finish this project. Just an FYI...the above is my intellectual property and copywrite stands only with me. Please do not quote or use in any way other than to spark conversation.  SP and IG, thanks for your ove and attention. i needed it today.

[That Chick]

Granolagoddess:

I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time in your life.  The best thing I can say is simply, hang in there.  Hold onto those basic human instincts, that bare primitive will to survive.  You and I both can survive; we can come out of this and find happiness.  We live in an age where the pursuit of happiness is available to everyone.  So hang in there with me, alright?  I wish the best for you.

[spitfire1979]

GG--

how are things these days?  i haven't been on the site for a while.  btw... i think i'm going to adopt your chapter outline as a therapy device for myself.  seems like it would be very helpful in being truthful with myself about some significant events.  thanks!

[Tim]

GG, that is quite a book outline. It would be an interesting read. Don't give up on it. This would be a great work!