revelations on the way to "moving on"

one thing i've come to expect from certain people who browse this site and others like it is a one-note song accusing me--and anyone else who dares vocalize about their past with gothardism/fundamentalism--of not being able to "move on". i've come to realize that it's their own discomfort that bothers them, not mine.

however... sometimes i wanna throw them a bone. so here's proof that 1) given time and 2) loving, growing relationships with truly caring people, 3) discovering my own personal worth and 4) letting God be God and myself and others be human beings... it all DOES eventually stack up to a whole lotta miles between me and all those cycling phases of anger and angst.

my fiancee and i are expecting a daughter in august. without going into all the details, even at 29, after being on my own for almost 6 years (and 4 yrs of college before that), my parents reacted with the predictable rounds of "how could you do this to US", "i'm so disappointed", and, "don't you care what god thinks about this?". the two of us knew what was coming and had prepared for it... and let it go.

over the past few months, my parents have slowly come around. thankfully i have been blessed with a partner who is incredibly stronghearted and respectful of differences; i prepared him to deal with my parents the way i've learned to deal with them... see their attitudes and actions, but with the understanding of their backgrounds. it's more than coincidence that many people who are attracted to overbearing spiritual leaders and ideologies are children of alcoholism and abuse. mom and dad are 2 for 2 on that front. and so, whenever i had opportunity to talk to mom about what she feels about it, i let her know how much i love her. strange how you learn to assume the parental role early on...

now at 29 weeks, i'm on constant bedrest. mom has started to come over and help me out, and dad is working with my fiancee on getting our new home move-in and baby ready. it's amazing... and i'm extremely grateful. for the first time in years, i'm actually letting myself feel connected to my family... we've never lost touch, but my illusions of our bond disappeared years ago when i realized that the love was conditional, and always had been. (i think that's just called survival instinct.)

the only hitch was yesterday, when i mentioned to my mom that i'd forgotten to invite her two closest friends to the baby shower.

"well," she said, "they'd be completely shocked."

i asked her if she meant they didn't know i'm expecting.

"no, no one from church knows, and i haven't told anyone at work, either."

these women have known me since i was 8. they've attended church with my parents at their independent, bible-believin' baptist church for 17 years. they go camping, shopping, conferencing and traveling together. but mom hasn't told them she's going to be a grandmother for the first time. for someone who has learned so deeply to compartmentalize the acceptable and unacceptable things in her world, i guess it's easier to simply deny, deny, deny...

at first i got mad. i wanted to shake her down and confront her with the ridiculousness of it all. sooner or later they will know. maybe she's waiting until i have a ring on my finger (those plans are having to be reset due to bedrest) and it will THEN be OK for me to appear w/a husband... and a baby, right out of the blue? talk about needing a reality check!

then it occured to me how lonely it must be to live in a world where you can't even be real with your closest friends. where, as my brother tells it, you have to "put out the plastic plants because the real ones aren't good enough." i'd mentioned to mom earlier that her best friend's son had had a pretty serious drinking problem, which resulted in divorce. she hadn't known that was the reason. mom doesn't connect with people very well, i've learned, but the few people she could gain so much support from simply can't be told? when her only perspective on something comes from her own hurt, no wonder she hasn't handled most of her adult children's lives very well. and i stopped being mad... just sad for her. sad that she goes to work and church trapped in her "other world", where everything must line up with what she thinks is acceptable or be thrown in the pile of unacknowledged realities... the world she made for herself with a drunk parent at home.

it made me grateful for my friends, with whom i share all the ups and downs, the good and the bad... and from whom i've learned that when there's love cushioning the blow, the only way to bounce is up. i remember the shock of realizing that people can develop relationships so open and trusting that vulnerability and failure cannot break them. never learned it in a churchhouse, or at teen camp, or at a gothard seminar. i didn't learn it from a professor or advisor at the holy-rollin' college i attended. unfortunately, i didn't learn it in the family i was born into (until we all found our ways back.) i learned it from the family i created for myself... and maybe one day my mom will learn it, too.

what's your revelation?